Wednesday, November 07, 2007

ECF: Q&A With Myself

As the Eastern Conference Final quickly approaches, there's numerous questions floating around my head. Who better to answer them than myself:

Q: Why do Revolution fans hate the Chicago Fire so much?

A: That's a fascinating question which would require a 20-part series to answer fully. Since you asked, I'll keep this as concise as possible.

To be honest, the current level of hatred is far less than it was a year ago. At that time, Shalrie Joseph was suspended for the deciding playoff match after MLS, for some reason, went back and punished him for elbowing a player who thought Shalrie wanted to give him a piggyback ride. The suspicion was that weasley manager Dave Sarachan was the one who asked for the review. This was after a suspension was levied against Clint Dempsey a few months earlier in similar fashion. To complicate matters, Chad Barrett wasn't suspended for shoving Jay Heaps to the ground after the whistle that August, because the referee (the same for all three incidents) gave him a yellow card which gave him immunity from a punishment review. So, we felt cheated by MLS and pissed off at the Chicago manager going into that match. There's other issues about Sarachan that I won't go into here, because that's all in the past.

Today, Chicago has a new, less irritating manager. However, they did pick up aging Mexican sensation Cuauhtémoc Blanco, who's the bane of many US Soccer supporters. I'm not as big a Blanco hater as others, but when he starts looking to draw fouls by the bushel on Thursday, the vitriol will flow. All in all, the fact that we have ended their season for three straight years, they aren't as hated as they could be.

Q: So, why do so many people hate Blanco?

A: There's a number of reasons. The main one is he plays with incredible fire on the field and has killed the US in the past. His current incarnation relies on his guile (diving) more than his athleticism, and people don't like some of his simulation antics.

Q: His face got wicked rubbery. Did he have reverse botox or something?

A: No. Every time you go into extreme agony, you make a face that puts a ton of tension on the skin, especially the cheaks. The same is true when you fake extreme agony. Seasons of pretending he got shot in the thigh from a hunting rifle every twenty minutes has taken a toll on Blanco's face. The craters were just an added benefit as I hear he's been used to get those playdough stains out from the Fire's romper room floor.

Q: Is it OK to have a crush on Chris Rolfe if you are a 14 year old girl?

A: Strange question given the source. No, it's not OK. He'll be starting for Real Madrid really soon, according to Fire fans, so hold your affections until then.

Q: What's with Fire fans? Are they the best fans in the league or the worst?

A: Depends on your point of view. From both perspectives, DC has them beat in fan support and in random degenerates looking to start trouble and then running under mommy's coat. I'd also put Toronto ahead of them in the fan support category.

Chicago's got great support by MLS standards. Do they have annoying fans on BigSoccer that are unable to comprehend the loose etiquette standards? Yup. In fact, they've probably got the most. That's just the cyber world, though. Who cares. They'll probably have a good-sized group there on Thursday night. How many show up will vastly depend on the number of people trained at Whopper-board in the Chicagoland area. Critical job skills are scarce these days and Lord be damned if there's a shortage of flame-broiled goodness due to missing fast food operators.

Q: How will the Revolution score against that Fire defense?

A: The Fire defense has been tight as of late, but they broke down in the second half against DC, allowing two goals. It'll probably be another low-scoring affair. The Revs will need to convert two of the six or seven chances they get.

Q: Will there be a large crowd for the game?

A: Unlikely. ESPN was banking on DC United advancing, not Chicago. New England hasn't been known to draw large crowds for weeknight games, and I doubt a four day sales effort will yield a large crowd. Expect around 10,000.

Q: Why would someone go watch a game in 40 degree weather instead of on tv?

A: The ESPN2 broadcast makes you feel sorry for/uncomfortable about soccer in America. Avoid it at all costs. The cold air is also great for your eyebrows, spleen, and Alzheimer's.


Lewie P said...

LOL great one. Rolfe will be on Real Madrid soon!

Chidamen said...

What the hell is Whopper-board?

Jimmy Chowda said...

My brother worked at Burger King when he was 15. There's a specific qualification you need in order to make Whoppers. The watchstation title is "Whopper-board". Sure beats the the watches I qualified in the Navy like reactor operator or engineering watch supervisor.